In the Shackles of An Abusive Marriage: Sakina’s encounter with Watta Satta

Sakina’s swollen face, bruised cheeks, and marks on her hands and feet point to the obvious – she has been subjected to domestic violence. Her ordeals are shared by many women in the country, and her story reflects and answers to an extent why women do not leave their abusive marriages.

Sitting still with disheveled hair, Sakina stutters as she speaks about her plight that continues to persist and that she does not see an end to. Two years ago, Sakina got married in a watta satta arrangement (an exchange marriage common in Pakistan and Afghanistan. The custom involves the simultaneous marriage of a brother-sister pair from two households). She was happy in her marriage initially. According to her, in the beginning, her husband used to care a lot about her, but later, her sister-in-law started complaining about her treatment in her household from her in-laws. That is where the trouble began and her married life became a living hell. This watta satta arrangement made her collateral in the situation. Whenever her sister-in-law became unhappy in her marriage she would call her family right away and instead of resolving the issue between the aggrieved parties, Sakina’s in-laws would hold her accountable.

Every time her sister-in-law called home to complain, Sakina would pay the price. She would have to listen to their taunts, get beaten up, she would be starved, and made to do all the house chores. She was put through all this for a mistake that was not even hers, to begin with. When asked why she never spoke out or sought help from her own family, Sakina replied, “I could not say anything to anyone, because at the time of my marriage my parents warned me that the only way I am ever coming back to this home is if I am dead. Because if I go before that then the people would talk.” This is the unfortunate reality in most cases of domestic violence, their own families would rather see them dead than intervene in their married lives and save them from the torture just to save face from society.

Violence in these marriages has also been normalized to a great extent in this society. Women seldom come out to openly complain about their issues because they know this is not something out of the norm for their families. They are expected to live with this treatment and suffer in silence.  Sakina added that she cannot even go to anyone in the neighborhood to ask for help since everyone there treats their wives the same way.

With no one to heed her cries, she gave in to the family’s pressure to have children, to improve her relationship with her husband. She eventually conceived but lost her child before the full term. Her problems did not end there, she continued to have three more miscarriages following the first one. Not caring about the toll all those miscarriages may have taken on her body, Sakina was pressured into trying again, there was a lot of burden on her to conceive again because of which both her mental and physical health shattered. She kept losing her children because she was not given the rest and care a pregnant woman needs, , it is not surprising that her pregnancies would terminate so early on. The fifth time she conceived she prayed and tried her best that she does not lose her child. Later she gave birth to a baby girl. The birth of her baby, instead of making things better for her as advised by her own family, made things even worse. Now her husband had an additional reason to put her through torture since he wanted a boy and not a girl.

Having a child increased the complexities of an escape from an abusive marriage. The lack of financial independence of women in the country and absolute reliance on their significant others for their finances keep them barred from making any move. On top of that, no support from their families restricts their options of leaving. Sakina insists, “I only pray that they get better with me, I cannot leave my daughter alone here. And I also cannot go to any police station or courts because then all my doors will be closed. My family will forsake ties with me as well.” When asked if she ever tried to seek help from the police, she responded;

“When I told them about the domestic violence I had to face, they remained nonchalant and responded this was a normal thing in marriage. They asked me to wait and suffer in silence. They said that things would get better once I have a child.”

The bruises on her body were evident, but the police told her she would have to prove to the court and give evidence of physical violence to them. Instead, they advised her to avoid this route because they insisted it will be long and might not even prove to be successful. It should however not be the prerogative of the police to decide whether to file a complaint or not, domestic abuse is brushed under the carpet as a personal matter, and the lack of institutional support and required due diligence to handle such sensitive cases further discourage women to reach out to the police.

“I got really frustrated once and went to the police station, no one even filed a report for me. Instead, they told me this was Pakistan, not America that they would file a report on just one complaint. They told me they could not file a report and that it is better that I go home and resolve things with my husband.”

Sakina’s ordeals continue, her story unfortunately has not found a happy ending so far. Instead of resolving her problems, the ill-advice of the family to have children to save an abusive marriage has significantly increased her problems because now her actions will not just affect her, but her daughter too. Had she found the right support system from her own family, or had the police done their lawful duty and registered her complaint – her situation may have been different. While no one knows what the future holds, the hope, for now, is that she does not meet the end like several other women, who in extreme cases are killed by their significant others. Women like Sakina are alone in their battles, what further perpetuates this cycle of abuse is that their husbands are aware of their vulnerability, they know that society will not support them, their own families will not support them, and even the system is bent on protecting and benefiting the men in the society.

This, however, is the story of just one such individual, there are so many other cases like that of Sakina who are supposed to be safe in their homes, where they are convinced that they are protected and it is in that very supposedly safe space that they face violence at the hands of their husbands and in-laws.  If by any chance they take the plunge and go to the police station, they are met with disappointment there as well, since they are discouraged from filing a report.

Instead of asking a woman to return home to an abusive household, the police should immediately file a report. Discouraging them by stating courts would require evidence, alludes to the women from an opportunity to get their justice. When the police station in old Saryaab, Quetta, was contacted they informed that every month they get 2-3 cases of domestic violence. But they try to not file the report and suggest resolving the issue among themselves amicably. They stated they invite both parties to resolve their differences. Again, meriting a debate about constantly undermining the intensity of abuse and facilitating it to persist without any room for accountability. The abuser knows they will not face any punishment and that keeps the abusive cycle alive.

Domestic violence is a sensitive issue in this country, people find it hard to come forward and explain their struggles because violence with spouses is somewhat an acceptable phenomenon among a large segment of the society and whoever comes forward with it is sent away by stating it to be a domestic issue that should be resolved privately. Women are seldom provided with a conducive environment to come forward with the allegations and get justice. They are blamed for the situation, lack familial support, and may risk losing their children in a custody battle. They are expected to suffer and accept their destiny.

According to the 2017-2018 Pakistan Demographic and Health Survey, 28 percent of women aged 15 to 49 had experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetimes. This is a slight decrease from 32 percent of the women reported to have experienced physical violence at the hands of their partners in the 2012-2013 survey. But given that domestic violence is an issue shrouded in secrecy and shame, both sets of figures are likely a gross under-estimation.[1]

Furthermore, as has historically been the case, progress on women’s rights is still frequently blocked by religious conservative groups, which often work in tandem with the state. Most recently, the Domestic Violence Bill – despite being passed by the National Assembly to ensure legal protection and relief for victims – was stalled after an adviser to the prime minister recommended that it be sent to the Council of Islamic Ideology for review.

With the rising cases of domestic violence in the country, there is a need for a concerted effort to provide safe passage to women stuck in abusive marriages. The initiatives need to be multifold and focus on the institutions that regulate and support mechanisms for immediate report filing in case of abuse, strict punishments for abusers that set precedent for others, and a general sensitization of the society regarding the normalization of abuse. The institution of marriage should not be allowed to perpetrate violence, women deserve to be treated with respect, in case both parties are unable to resolve their differences, divorce should be a preferable option – not domestic violence. Everyone deserves to live a life of respect, women should be extended the same courtesy.

[1] Kirmani, Dr Nida. “The Past Few Months Have Been Harrowing for Pakistani Women.” Women | Al Jazeera, Al Jazeera, 8 Oct. 2021, https://www.aljazeera.com/opinions/2021/10/8/violence-against-women-in-pakistan-is-not-new-but-it-must-stop#:~:text=According%20to%20the%202017%2D2018,in%20the%202012%2D2013%20survey.